Almost Failures the Movie

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Mamma's Reptile Removal

Mamma's Reptile Removal, As Seen In Almost Failures

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Almost Failures

The Movie

Behind every success story is an

almost failure who didn't give up.

Christopher Banks

The Singer

Christopher represents the pride of the entertainment industry. He has an ego the size of Texas for no justifiable reason. He considers himself a great singer, but he lacks any significant talent. Rather than face any form of rejection or reality, he blames the fact that he’s not been discovered on the notion that he’s not perceived to be black enough to project the soul his voice and “talent” emit. He delusionally believes that he has a stalker who is following him, and in his mind, he justifies it as a result of his obvious star quality. His full time job is working at an auto dealership as a car wash attendant, and he sings to the customers every chance he gets.

Clyde Smalls

The Action Movie Hero

Clyde represents the naivete of the entertainment industry. Completely uneducated about what it takes to make it in the industry, he is guided blindly by his own faith that he can do it, and his acting coach who encourages him hoping that he will respond kindly to her advances. Clyde hopes to become a movie star.

Bogdan [Богдан]

The Model

Bogdan, the model from Russia, is the embodiment of the perseverance and potential of the entertainment industry. He wants only two things – to become an international model, and to make a baby. The only thing standing in Bogdan’s way of making these two dreams come true is his broken English. Misunderstanding the intentions of internet ads, he continually steps into awkward situations with male photographers looking for sexual thrills. Bogdan is sexy, handsome, and strong, and most importantly, he believes in himself. He says, “...I will try and try, and I will always win. Or, I will die maybe too. But I hope I win.”

Shel Snatch

The Stage Actor

Shel represents the insecurity of being in the entertainment industry. He is obsessed with his image, and lives in remembrance of his glory days when he was younger and could play Juliet on the traditional Shakespearean stage. He is very effeminate, and also talented, but his insecurity stands in his way. He is so ashamed of his day job, he is quicker to let you assume he’s a street-corner prostitute. He believes he is always the most beautiful person in the room, and he believes he has a stalker.

Biz Judge

The Talent Manager

Biz represents the harsh reality of the business of entertainment as a necessary evil. He understands the interests of the lowest common denominator in the audience. Biz is a slum-lord who shows us the parallels of taking advantage of the needy and depraved exiles of society, and offering opportunity to desperate entertainers. He can quickly (not often accurately) evaluate a person’s professional worth by estimating what they’re like in bed. The casting couch becomes his favorite new obsession, and with a camera man following him around at all times, he becomes the target for many eager women who would do anything at all to be in front of a camera – especially if it’s a new reality TV show.

Simon Shields

The Variety Performer

Simon represents the heart of the entertainment industry, which exists solely for the purpose of bringing a smile and a pleasant distraction to the public. Simon works for smiles and applause, and he lives on crackers and tea. He makes less money in his tip-hat than the homeless man who sleeps on the park bench at night. He aspires to entertain in a large stage venue performing his variety show tricks and songs. Having walked away from a possible lucrative career in real estate, he now has no other road to take than to continue entertaining in the park, hoping someone sees him someday and offers him regular work.